All my life, I felt there was something ‘wrong’ with me, like I was noticeably different to my peers.

I didn’t fit in, got bullied at school, was different to a lot of my peers and just generally had this niggling feeling that there was some underlying reason that would explain why I felt this way.

I tried to express myself through colourful shoes (I’ll never forget my first pair of Dr Martens), clothes outside of what was considered ‘the norm’, and I was desperate to dye my hair funky colours or a simple black. Unfortunately, I was not allowed to then, but I have always been interested in and intrigued by gothic culture and the alternative community.

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My autistic traits showed from a young age, I was taught to hide them as I was not conforming to societal and religious standards of ‘how to be’ and ‘how to act’. I found this difficult and retreated into masking my way through life. This led to several episodes of burnout. Teachers noticed, and I was given amazing support with named teachers on hand.

They encouraged me to be creative and to pursue my special interests, they knew that was when I thrived.

Years of endless people-pleasing and masking led to extreme burnout. After over 20 years of struggling significantly, I finally received my autism diagnosis. It felt comforting and reassuring, giving me more confidence to be myself.

I started going to gigs as a teenager and instantly felt comfortable and at home, a feeling I hadn’t experienced before to this degree. While my experience with the alternative community has had its ups and downs, I am forever grateful to those who have welcomed me with open arms.

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As someone who loves art and culture, seeing how the alternative community has evolved over the years is so interesting to me.

I’m not only a part of the community, I love to research it and consume all there is out there, whether it be literature, magazines, fashion, art, exhibitions or other forms of media, it is truly one of my special interests.

When it comes to gothic fashion, I like to shop small. Some of my favourite pieces come from some amazing Scottish small businesses. I enjoy making my own clothes, adapting things to suit my personal style and preference as well as my own shape.

I struggled significantly, having gone through a lot of traumatic things in a short space of time, but I found myself again when I started to go to more alternative events. Whether that was an alternative market, a club night or a festival, I felt at home and I had found my people, once again.

Unfortunately for me, however, unmasking led to losing a lot of so-called ‘friends’, and as much as I miss them, I have some great memories from time spent together that I will continue to cherish.

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I’ve been told many times that people are finding it hard to accept the ‘new me’, but my response to that is that I am now living as my true, authentic self after hiding it for so long. I have met so many new people at alternative events over the years, some of whom are now like family to me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I look forward to going to festivals, markets and other events and tend to go to one every six or so weeks, as I know how good it is for my mental health to spend time with like-minded people.

People with autism are some of the most interesting and diverse people you may meet in your life. I believe that autism is a superpower, of sorts. Yes, it can be difficult, as those who are neurodivergent know and have had plenty of experience with, but life is hard enough so don’t be hard on yourself.

Pursue that special interest and do whatever you want. But please make sure that you are protecting your energy and also protecting yourself from burnout.

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To anyone who’s been told that making an effort, pursuing that special interest or dressing how you want is wrong: I say go for it. It’s your life and you shouldn’t be afraid to be bold, how you want to be. Do what makes you happy.

I wasn’t always the best at putting myself out there in a crowd, but my growing love for all things gothic has helped me to feel better about myself, and made me feel proud and comfortable to introduce myself to people and make new friends – something that a good few years ago I found extremely difficult.

There aren’t any rules or regulations. Be yourself, have fun, be confident and most importantly, do not listen to those who bring you down.

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